"Volde-Mart", or, "The Store That Shall Not Be Named..."

**NOTE: This post was written a while back. I just never got around to finishing it until today. I know. Lazy, lazy, lazy...**

I don't get out much.

But when I do finally get some "adult-time" well, I'm just as boring as when I'm at home.

Unless I have a DD I won't be drinking enough to make myself fun, and if I have a DD you can bet your sweet petunia I won't be standing up after 10:00 p.m.

Trust me on this.

So when I had the chance for an impromptu Volde-Mart outing with my friend T on Friday night I jumped at the chance. Keep in mind by the time we left it was already around 10:45 p.m.

Oh, did I mention that the only time T & I ever go to The Store That Shall Not Be Named it's always around midnight? We once spent 4 1/2 hours in the bottled water section of said store the day after Thanksgiving just to get two damn laptops.

Oh yes. We bonded that day.

Anyhoo it had been raining off and on all day. The rain had stopped by this time so all the crazies were out in full-force. Although Volde-Mart is not a "normal" place to begin with...

We pull into the parking lot, myself, T, and Li'l T, who being 5 and full of energy refused to go to sleep. So along he came.

As we were walking in I made the remark to T, "Look! We're now officially People of Volde-Mart! We're taking a 5-year old child with to the store at 11:00 at night!" Little did we know we'd be the most normal people there.

Upon walking in and grabbing our cart, Li'l T decided he was finally tired. T & I gave him our sweatshirts because T is an awesome mommy and I'm an awesome babysitter.

Awe....they're so cute when they're almost sleeping!

We wound up changing carts due to the extreme crappiness of the first one, although the alignment on most cart at the Store That Shall Not Be Named sucks.

We found what we needed, gawked at the pregnant teenagers arguing with their mothers, the older heavy-set women without the proper, *ahem*, undergarments, those wonderful humans with their "summer" teeth, and of course the "look at me! I'm out after curfew and at the VOLDE-MART! HELLS YEAH!" teenagers acting like they're wicked awesome.

We were the best-looking women there, with I in my t-shirt and capris, and T in her capris and tank top, both of us having extremely disheveled ponytails and little to no makeup on.

We get in line to pay. After 10:00 p.m. the store locks the doors on one side and only has registers open on the other for security reasons. There are 4 self-checkouts and two checkouts with cashiers. Seeing as we had very few items we decided to go the self-checkout route.

Oh, how silly of us.

T scans her items, pays, and the register shuts down.

Keep in mind it's very late at night and there are only two employees helping out in the self-check area. One is a very crabby woman who obviously hates her job, the other is a very nice gentleman we'll call Joe, 'cuz that's his name. Joe has Cerebral Palsy and is in a walker but tries to be as helpful as he possibly can be.

Joe comes over to help and soon realizes that he lacks the authorization to get T her change, which is what is holding up the register. Crabby Lady storms over, shoves Joe out of the way and gets T her change. By this time we've been at the self-check for almost 15 minutes. So much for a speedy getaway!

My turn. I scan my first item, and lo and behold, the machine locks up. I look at T and say "Fuck it" and rush to the next self-check. Turns out that was another really bad decision.

The older couple in front of me chose that night to take advantage of the AWESOME FRICKEN' DEALS on DVDs at the Volde-Mart.

Turns out when you purchase a DVD and decide to pay at the self-check, a store employee needs to come over and enter their PIN to verify that they were paid for and not stolen. These people chose this particular evening to purchase not one, not two, but EIGHT DVDs. And pay for them at the self-checkout.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the old lady (yes, I know it's a rude term but I was pretty pissy by now) scanned her items. By the time she made it to the stack of DVDs T and I were about to lose it. Then she scans the first one. "BEEEEEEP!!!!! BEEEEEPPPP!!!! YOU WILL NEED A STORE EMPLOYEE TO ASSIST YOU!" So Joe takes a hobble over and punches in his PIN. It's around this time that T and I notice the large X on Joe's elbow covering an obvious fresh wound, most likely made when he lost his balance in the parking lot.

Joe, being helpful and speedy, enters his PIN, scans the DVD, then grabs another one. Scan, enter pin, grab DVD. Unfortunately for us, and Joe, the oozing wound on his elbow was not properly bandaged. With every grab of a DVD he banged his already open elbow on the rail of the register, smearing more and more blood with every bang.

We were beside ourselves with a mixture of horror and fascination...

And then...MY TURN! Finally, I make it to the self-checkout only to have to deal with a large smear and small pool of blood on the belt. Huzzah! I again look at T and say "Fuck it." I scan my items, reaching as far over the mess as I can, 'cuz when you're short certain things are hard to do. Halfway through T says "Oh HELLZ no" and goes off to find Crabby Lady. Crabby Lady rushes over and promptly yells at Joe for not being more careful and cleans up the mess.

I finally pay for my items and we leave.

T and I say nothing to each other the entire walk back to the car. But of course, as soon as we are safely in the car with Li'l T buckled in back (now awake thanks to his short nap) the windows rolled up and the doors locked, we both burst out laughing, completely amazed by the show put on this evening by the players at our local Volde-Mart SuperStore.

Is it wrong that I'm looking forward to our next excursion?

Hmmm... ;)